Do You Feel Me?

down.


i use to smile at the very things which hurt me... laugh it off until i felt entirely numb because i wasn't down to feel the pain. brush it off my shoulders because whatever was being rubbed on me, wasn't nearly the pain i felt when my parents died, it was nothing- compared to that. but now a days i find myself without that defense mechanism... now a days, it just hurts. and the silence- well, the silence doesn't soothe me. for the unknown in the air is making everything cold. and brushing it off seems like an impossible task whenever you're mind reverts back to the past from time-to-time with no forewarning. having PSTD is a bitch, and anyone who is blessed not to have a mental disorder couldn't understand; the stress, the anxiety, the fear, the flashbacks...it's pure torture.letting go is hill believed to be impossible to climb, but i'm climbing... slowly but surely i'm gonna get it over it.there are certain things i can't hear, certain things i refuse to see, certain happenings i refuse to acknowledge, certain words i don't say... and to some the way i go about life is hard to understand but what they don't know is it's how i cope. it's how i wake up every day and live. i don't think of death, i don't speak of it, i HATE to hear about it because death left a kiss on my cheek years ago... and some, some just don't understand that.
i'm so far from perfect, definitely not built to suit a fashion model's size, and i'm fully aware of my flaws seen and unseen... but i try my hardest to not leave a bitter taste in any one's mouth. trying my hardest to open eyes and most of all open ears. Love those closest around me because i'd like to believe that Love, is all one needs to flourish, to grow, and produce more Love. i give so much because i know one day i'm going to receive much more and if i don't see it than best to believe the children i bare will. I Love because being Loved in return is so rewarding, yet overlooked. And all i want to do is make sure those around me know how wonderful Love is...and to some, i sound foolish... maybe even crazy but what they don't know is the feeling of loosing everything you've ever known and being left to feel nothing.