i don't recall stating i was perfect... i don't believe i told anyone that i know everything there is to know... but i do recall walking around with my held high because i thought i was doing the right thing- thought i was playing my part, and i definitely was... most people don't do what i do, at least not at this age... most people don't tolerate certain shit from the start but from the start i tolerated it all... not tolerated in a sense of accepting it- because it was unacceptable, but tolerated like i took the blows and came back swinging because i wasn't going out or leaving knowing i hadn't done all i could do or take all i could take... but like i said- i don't recall saying i was perfect and that i knew the answers to every question... but i do recall stating that it's hard for me to get pass things when my mind constantly reverts back to past unannounced. memory is a gift and a curse... but this is what i wanted... this is what i fought for... this is what i found freedom from disturbance- as ironic as it may be... this is what i've poured my heart and energy into... because i believe that i deserve my slice of cake and i believe that being "in" Love at 18 isn't all that insane... and i believe that Love isn't all that bad- in fact i find it extremely beautiful... and i know that no relationship is perfect, shit we all go through our set of emotions which collide with coinciding emotions that are beside me... that are beside you... and sometimes in heat of those emotions we combust and explode... and for the second our emotions caught on fire i felt a strain in my heart... a strain i haven't felt in so long but am so familiar with it's power... i was helpless and not by any one's hands but my own... digging my nails in my skin till i bled because i couldn't believe what was going on and what i had caused. i'm so use to other people causing pain to me and the people or things which i love... never am i the one causing the pain... never am i the one who has to wash dirty hands and is still reminded of the blood. and yesterday i fell from grace... in the quick, sudden, LAST jealous rage of not even knowing what i was saying... I, Jasmin- i lost it all... at least it feels like i did... feels like i lost the fight... lost the battle fought long and hard day and night because now when i come to mind i don't taste so sweet... and i don't know if i'm gonna be able to forgive myself for this one. but i know it's not gonna happen again and i will admit i came up entirely too short to even help pick myself up... still my soul remains on the floor and my heart is crying and in my mind i'm cussing myself out every chance i get. i got what i deserved, i got a wake up call from the dream land which i lived in... i saw the anger in your eyes and i saw the pain- the pain- the FUCKING pain that I CAUSED... what the fuck was i thinking, what the fuck? i wasn't even thinking... and saying "I'm sorry" doesn't do shit. what happened happened and i can't go back as much as i want to wake up and choose differently i can't. I just pray that our light isn't entirely shattered... i pray for your forgiveness... i pray for your mercy... i pray for your love... i pray for your touch... i pray for you know that i am not here to hurt you aside from yesterday's action... i pray for you to know that my intentions are to be here for you, Love you, see you succeed, see perhaps even help you concur all that you want... i pray for you to know that when i tell you "I LOVE YOU" the words run deeper the beating of my heart, they run pass the blood in my veins, and they come from a force that i can't even explain... but this force pulls me back to you every time even those times when i don't want to be near you, this force pulls me to you and reminds me of how beautiful it is to be "in" Love with another being opposite of you... how beautiful it is to be "in" Love with your Best Friend... how beautiful it is to see your image in another... how beautiful it is to know that everyone was made for someone... and right now, you may no longer believe that i'm your soulmate, but you remain mine. I pray for you to know that i want you in my life as my best friend, lover, companion and partner. I pray for your forgiveness because i never said i was perfect...